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[personal profile] darkdragonofthenever
Rant about sketching and just...general whining/bitching. You all have been warned.

So lets get some boring shit outta the way as well as somethings that everyone should know. And if you don't, you will now. I think the cut warning needs to be a little more severe. There's gonna be a lot of whining.

1. I have low self-esteem and justify it by holding everyone else up on a pedestal.
2. I am fat and refused to be called anything else. Mainly because if I tell myself the truth, others can't hurt me with it.
3. I love drawing/sketching but hate taking my time on it. I like to have something REALLY good REALLY fast...even if it's not the way it works.
4. I like writing but rarely finish anything because I don't know why. I guess I lack ambition in writing as much as doing art. Or anything else really.
5. I'm lazy. I sit on the internet and when I'm not doing that, I'm sleeping or working.
6. I'm addicted to the internet. Surprise there.
7. I feel more connected to people on the internet than I do with people in real life.
8. I found out that I can feel. I used to just going around, feeling numb and just....acquired the right set of reactions over time. And...I haven't felt raw emotion in so long that it's scaring me. A lot. I want to go back to feeling that comfortable numbing of everything, like I'm objective to everything around me. That life isn't happening and I'm just observing. Going through the motions. This feeling thing is new and I don't like it. At all.
9. I'm brutal. Period. I may not say everything I think anymore, but I do use the truth to hurt people. And I love it. Every. Minute. Of. It. Just seeing the other person's pain makes me smile, because they know it's the truth and that hurts more than any lie can.
10. I'm too kind to the people I do somehow care for and have a bleeding heart that I try to keep locked away. Because if anything, life and dipshit has shown me that people rarely change for the better. That they either get worse or just lie. And keeping going whatever path that they've chosen, no matter what it's doing to the people around them. It makes me wary of helping people but then again, sometimes I can't stop myself.
11. I am a living contradiction. Whoever heard of an asexual who loves yaoi. And writes porn and laughs at it because sex is funny as all hell. I also still don't know the true meanings of "hot", although I know the theory behind it I just...don't get it. Same thing with "sexy". I can point these two words out in a person due to what the media has taught me, as well as just observing other people, but that doesn't mean that I can't tell a pretty person and a fugly one apart. It just means that those words put into the context of scaling someone into something that equates to sexual arousal doesn't make sense to me.
12. I have really, really bad social anxiety that makes it hard for me to initiate any conversation between anyone. And it's been acting up really bad lately and I have no idea why.

And...I'm just gonna get to that art rant now. Because I'd lie and say that I'd change one of those things about me during the year but I don't feel like being disappointed when it doesn't happen. I'd like to say I'm hopeful but I'm really not and there's no use in trying to defend the possibility, because as number 5 states, I'm lazy. And really lack drive or ambition, which I don't know what happened to it all. I think work sucked it out because really, I just feel drained now days. A combination of rediscovering how hard and conflicting emotions are and just the utter fucking bullshit that we have to deal with now. Like the weekly cleaning reports that aren't going to get done because like hell am I going to be able to get that done with all my crew disappearing. We're barely getting the usual shit done let alone anything fucking extra.

Anyway, art. My love-hate relationship with it. There are a lot of tips for artist on the internet, in books, from other artists in blogs and whatnot, but some work and some don't. I think one drawing book I got from the library explained why people give up on art: because there's not instant gratification. It's hard work. Proportions, colors, background, foreground, shading, mistakes, erasing, inking, painting, a combination of media, and just so many variables that it's just daunting. I will always believe as well that if you can draw a square, circle, and a triangle that anyone can become an artist. Maybe it'll take more work to get a picture to look like something, but out of the three basic shapes, anyone can create anything. Like the Sparta Bob Ross icon. All his head is composed of is a half circle on a triangle. It's all about looking at shapes and then the whole picture, breaking it down into similar parts and then combining them to make something larger.

And it's something that pisses the ever living fuck out of me doing.

I like my stuff to look good. One of the many rules people say is not to compare your work with that of someone else's. And that is the hardest rule to follow because there's just so much out there, so many perspectives to look at, that makes mine look like nothing more than a 10 year olds doodling on the margins of paper. Part of the problem is that it's hard to change the way I draw things. A lot of people start with the basic shapes, as they should, check proportions with the whole "heads" method (a body is this many heads tall based on how big the actual head of the body is sort of deal) and I just...never got that. I've always just 'eyed' the proportions, didn't start with the basic shapes and just shaped the face around an eye. Yes, each and every one of my sketches starts off as just an eye that I build off of. It's been something I've been doing since I started drawing and it's something that I need to break the habit of. Badly.

Because where that seems to be alright for dragons/gryphons/animal-type things, anime style, fuck drawing people in general, it doesn't work out too well. At least...it doesn't achieve the style that I want it to. I mean, I've been trying really hard to get myself to just go back to the basics of things, to dry to do everything over from scratch and try to forget what I thought would always be the way that I drew things. Always be the way that my art would get better because it just made sense and I was comfortable doing it.

I guess I don't like to be uncomfortable when drawing, because I use it as a stress reliever and I get frustrated with trying to go back to the basics. And then I end up doodling dragons or something like that on the page I'm working on because it's just so fucking frustrating to know what I could have it look like. If I just started doing this earlier instead of being stubborn as a fucking mule and thinking my way is the best and only way. Instead of just listening to the how-to books I have, instead of just following the directions of even my high school art teacher and stop trying to specialize. I mean...now I want to branch out and it's just harder because I've been set for so damn long. I really hope whoever the fuck is reading this is following my train of thought because I can barely do it.

I mean, I actually wanted to do a still life the other day, and I hate doing them. But I'll be lying if I said that they aren't a good learning tool. If I escape my little bubble of things I'm comfortable drawing and actually go out and draw something I'm not used to. Something I wouldn't have even bothered with otherwise. And that's just as important as practicing what I do know. Of getting better on the things that I'm already decent at. The only problem is that I fall into ruts like that, where I ask myself why I even bother because I can draw lines on a blank page. To make them look like some of the paper is contained in that feature when really, that's all that's on the paper. Graphite lines that are meant to look like something and I get frustrated because they don't look exactly like the kick-ass version in my head. But here I am. Still striving, still trying, and sometimes I just get so discouraged I have to stop, because I wonder where it's all gonna get me. If anything. If I'll ever make anything of myself with art or will be just something that I keep shoving in my closet. To collect dust like the other sketchbooks. With my other half-formed ideas that just sit and collect dust. It's scary to me.

I mean, it's not always depression when I draw. Sometimes I get a sense of clarity and just go for broke and am sometimes surprised in what I'm able to do. Other times, I learn a new trick or two and am happy with that, something new to practice, some new formed idea that I can develop into something awesome if I keep at it. But those fears are usually in the back of my head. Lurking. And sometimes likes to come out with no warning that will have me give up on a project completely.

I just...don't know what to do with it sometimes. I do find myself staring at my sketchbooks, willing the pictures to finish themselves, willing them to somehow inspire me like the original idea to have me try again on them. To give them another chance. But often, I just find myself turning away from them in disgust, because they're not good enough. They need too much fixing. The idea isn't there anymore. The inspiration isn't there anymore. It's just too much work to be able to care about them even though I created them. It's a good thing I'm not a goddess, because damn would I be a bad one. I'd make evolution so that I wouldn't have to worry about all that creating bullshit. Again with the lazy thing.

...yeah I'm done with that. Glad to get it out there.

And...damn that was depressing. In other news, getting sick. Hopefully not enough to make me call off in the next few days.. I want another year of perfect attendance at work, even though I get yelled at for it. The sick time doesn't roll over/get added in anywhere, but I have this thing called a guilty conscious and I just can't bring myself to call off. Especially just knowing that everyone would be screwed over.


sleep. need sleep. psycho
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September 2012


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